IN LIFE ALL IS BEAUTIFUL

I remember a time when you and I were together building our future and we believed that everything would be wonderful as long as we were together, that faith that told us that all we had to do was be together and be happy for everything to go well. The hope that everything would be wonderful around us and that we would feel complete was there at that college, in that time of innocence. The story of the girl who liked Hungarians is, after all, the story of two friends, two souls who shared time together and felt each other's presence. In 2002, there was a meeting of souls, in a study space, where we both tried to fulfill our dreams and our parents' wishes, far from our own feelings, looking for a place in the sun.

In that place, during those years, the only real concern we had was getting through the year, without knowing what the future and ambition would demand of us. Pedro and Inês de Castro, found themselves once again in that college, seeking to become confident, to make a difference in the world and to serve, to serve others, to serve the world and make a difference. We had both been educated to serve, although we did not yet recognize what shaped our souls. During those years we shared our ambitions and our desires, the desire to change the world to make it a better, more fraternal place. At that time I met you, I learned about your struggles and your difficulties, how difficult it was to take care of your mother, the memory of your grandfather, all the things your brothers made you go through and the joys your nephews gave you, your inability to feel happy even when everything was going well, the fear that you would not start a family, or be able to have your own home.

These fears and concerns were my own fears and concerns, I also thought that I would not be able to be someone in life as our parents said. We had both been born into narcissistic homes and we knew that we had to be stronger, that we had to be someone because we didn't feel loved by ourselves. Self-love had not been instilled, but rather distrust and the constant attack on our own way of being. It was a matter of survival, of changing what was our stars and moving forward in the face of the fears and difficulties that arose at every moment. Achieving good grades, there, at that leading college, on that course that was considered one of the most prominent and influential, our deep passion for politics that had been nurtured since childhood. We knew that what they wanted from you was what they wanted from me, because our parents had been important in some way in their careers and in their fields, and we had to maintain and expand their legacy, there was a mission greater than ourselves.

We loved the written press, the news that appeared in the newspaper, we read Público and dreamed of somehow becoming journalists, being able to talk about those subjects that were, after all, part of our Hearts. We are born as we are and we always believe that we should make our parents happy. In those years, we were studying to enter the center of legal studies where we believed that we would fulfill some kind of dream for our parents - you for your mother and I for my father - and somehow you wanted to earn your mother's respect and I the graduation ring that my father held. But the reality was very different - you wanted to write, to be free and I wanted exactly the same thing. Time would show that the path that we have marked for our lives does not depend on us, but rather on something higher - something that guides us, beyond what is our own personal intention, or what our family may want for us.

And then, above all, it is about discovering ourselves, who we are, what we have in the depths of our essence, of our being. Only when we put aside the desires and wishes of our family, to fulfill what is a greater desire, which comes from our soul, can we truly discover what our life mission is, what we should do. I don't think we were wasting time, we simply discovered all those truths of ours, which were the indications that we should have within our hearts, and in our lives.

Today, I remember above all those times when we would spend hours looking at each other talking about our lives as if it were possible to solve everything based on an astrological chart, or even those little medicines or occult sciences that we loved to study so much. I remember the time we spent looking for the book “Capa de Aço” (Steel Cap) or any other book on witchcraft, trying to find within those books what we could not find within our lives, the magic that would transform our horizon. Little did we know that we were becoming everything we had feared and that somehow our horizon was to discover the rules of how the human soul works, psychology, sociology, the occult sciences, all that was the behavioral sciences, and apply that to ourselves, to the point of losing our essence, of the past, to take our course towards the future, and increasingly becoming our own goal.

In those days, you were freer, I was more of a dreamer, and we both lived in that dream of recreating ourselves. I was Pedro and you were Inês de Castro, and we both lived happily in those dreams that we created, fantasizing that one day we would both be judges or both prosecutors and that we would do justice for our parents and our families, we believed in all those values ​​of justice that had been imposed on us, after all, by our family morals, by family constellations, and by everything that others thought was right, and that we had never tested.

At that time, you were free as a bird, and I actually had my two personalities, lost to each other, little did I know that you and I were so identical that after all we were part of the same generation, even so we came from the same identity and everything that shaped us deep down, only when we started to look inside ourselves did we begin to realize that we had ambitions but we also discovered that we had a side for our family, which was hideous, unbearable, unacceptable and we realized that we had to strengthen our ability to survive. Above all, achieving our goals, buying our own houses or our own home, forming our own family and having our own children, and cutting ties with the past and with the illusions that had shaped our families over the centuries, and that were part of the family constellations that we wanted to deny, and that we could not accept in our hearts, but that would inevitably be our ultimate destiny, and what would happen to us, regardless of our choices.

Free will is an illusion, just as destiny is an illusion, only when we realize that neither destiny nor free will orders us, but the only thing that brings us back to reality is to be faithful to ourselves and to the person we love. It is only at that moment that we truly realize that we have to accept our mistakes, our defects and everything that we are, regardless of what others say, regardless of what we do. This is the hardest part: we tell ourselves about what we are not capable of being or doing. I didn't know that this would completely destroy your self-esteem, and mine, after those years in which we both tried to work towards a goal, which you initially achieved and I didn't. I thought that everything would be resolved, and that we would eventually find our redemption in that magnificent paradise, which was working for consumers, in a consumer protection association, where we thought we would attack our lives, or at least I thought so, because you had your plans, and in fact, you thought out loud like I did during my first years of college, I had also thought the same way.

I remember your illusions, I remember above all the way you took care of my tie before oral sex, how you took care of me, how you worried about what was happening to me and I returned your favor when I thought of your grandfather and your mother, when I was with you in difficult times, when you went through all those difficulties regarding your family and yet we were still together. I miss the time when we were together, that time when we were ourselves, when we were able to look inside ourselves and support each other. I loved you, I liked you, I liked to see you standing up, I liked to see you well, I wanted to see you well, I worried every day about everything that happened to you. The advice you gave me about the difficulties you had, the comfort you were going through, the times when you needed support, at the time of your grandfather's death. When you needed support with your mother, the moments we shared with you when we were having difficulties and suffering, because of your mother's diabetes, or even the death of your cat, or missing your father. In those moments, the only thing I wanted was for everything to be okay with you. I thought about you and prayed every night, I prayed whenever I could in church, and in those moments, I felt like I had to ask something higher for help for you, for you to be happy, for you to achieve your goals, for nothing to fail, and above all, for you to achieve your greatest ambitions.

At the same time, you wanted exactly the same for me, you supported me every day, you were by my side, and we were there together, looking forward, together, to our difficulties, but also our triumphs. In those moments, we were stronger. We were the world, we were a reality that was becoming a reality for our families. We were able to dream all the time. I remember those days when I would stay up late, listening to music and thinking about you all those times when you would call me at all hours and at all times, and I would do the same with you, to talk about work and study. I remember more than twenty years ago, when we would stay up late preparing for college classes, in the last years of our studies, when we were there together, studying, to be the two vigilantes in our minds, which after all we dreamed of being. You believed in truth, in love, in the path of truth, we lived that reality, that which was the transformation of a just and fraternal society, and we were both comrades, and above all, you were my comrade in arms. We didn't talk about my addictions and dependencies, we didn't talk about your addictions and dependencies, my need to be relevant and considered because of the emotional hole inside me, my addictions to antidepressants, your sexual and flirtatious addictions and needs, your spending on beauty products and inability to save or make ends meet. My tendency to talk too much, or "splurge", or your tendency to spend and get into debt, your "splurge".

I knew we were going to change the world and we both convinced ourselves that everything would be perfect and happy. We wanted to achieve our goals. I remember that I supported you all the time and you didn’t have a single negative thought for me. We supported each other constantly. We gave each other everything we had. I would leave things at your house and you would leave things at mine. We trusted each other 100% until we started to get to know each other better and see each other side by side. It was strange and unusual that we didn’t want to confess about ourselves. You had your fears, your worries, you didn’t want your life to be exposed and so you constantly asked me not to “spill the beans”, not to talk too much, not to spend all my time exposing our lives. When all I wanted to do was tell you how much I loved you, how much I wanted you to be happy and achieve your goals. That was the only reason why I talked too much, I didn't want to expose you, but rather praise you. Tell the world that I loved you, that I really wanted to be with you, and that you were a special person, different from everyone else, I wanted others to admire you, to love you, more than anything, and all of that was just the mirror of the projection of my stupid narcissism created by the fears that my parents had instilled in me over decades and that I didn't know, above all I wanted to survive, without changing anything about who I was.

The paradox occurred when I saw you in Primorosa, loved by everyone, but without being loved by yourself, without respecting yourself and without respecting me and at that moment it made sense, I realized that without respect there is no love, there is only projection. And you were dominated by what your parents had taught you, by the need to ask others for the discontinued Belgians cookies and Hungarian pastrie, that after all you learned to do correctly, just like me. Because just like you, I have always been diminished, just like you, I have lived by what was for others. Above all, I lived by what was the will and good will of my parents, the shadow of their morals, and that I had as a basis to criticize you, and want to be like you, exactly the same. That's what I learned from you, that I had no right to criticize a person who wants exactly the same as me, because it's like criticizing myself. I did exactly the same things, and your brother and sister were so much the same, what they did, and what I did, was all wrong and you learned to do it. The same things, the same needs, little by little, I realized that you and I were part of the same reality, we did the same things, because after all, our families were not so different, but I did not know how to respect you, just as you did not know how to respect me. In the end, we ended up devaluing each other, we lived because we were, each of us, trying to live up to our parents, pursuing and demanding from each other a perfection that neither you nor I had. Only at that moment did I realize that I loved you deeply, and that the only way to make everything right was to let you go, just as you would let me go, too.

Then came the times when we worked together, when above all, you were jealous of me and I was jealous of you, when we manipulated each other and spent our lives attacking each other. We didn't know how to love each other, because we challenged each other in that time, I gave all the money I could to satisfy what were your "desires", and you in a way accepted all my lies that were answers to your lies, all those that were my escapes, my and your insecurities, to go out with other girls and flirt, because we both did it without respecting each other as friends and boyfriends. Trying to create a bigger space in my mind, that I had many people, who liked me so that I could feel minimally loved, by myself and by you. In truth, both of us destroyed our lives with illusions, with lies, with everything that didn't make sense, just because we wanted to get high, just because in truth we started to have ambitions bigger than ourselves. You ended up getting where you wanted and I also managed to build my small rental empire, I actually managed to build my client portfolio and at the same time you got where you wanted to go, you became a civil servant, you managed to reach a state of security, which after all you had always pursued, but along the way, you also learned to prostitute your soul, and to sell things for any price, which I also learned to do.

At a certain point, we only thought about money. We were no longer able to look each other in the eye. Those childhood dreams of being true and trying to do good for others were gone. The only concerns we had were to make more and more money, to continue to grow economically and to become bigger. Comparing our cars, at those times, you hated me, you were jealous of me, I hated you, I was jealous of you, when in truth, we were not able to support each other, and what we had been, that ability we had for years to support each other had disappeared. The ability to not blame each other, to be able to apologize and support each other permanently, had disappeared. At the same time, we continued to want more and more. Our greed was stronger than ever, and we could no longer stop. It was at that moment that I began to realize that I had to stop and so did you. It was at that moment that I realized that the only way was for you to move on, to have your own house and for me to have mine. We built our path, and that's what ended up making sense at the end of time, when we ended up destroying what was left of our friendship.

I feel regret, I felt regret when I saw you that day in Primorosa, I have to tell you, regret when I saw you in Quinta das Conchas Park, the day you saw me and turned your face away and returned the same greeting I had with you at the Notary's Office in the Taurus Building, I have to confess to you that I know you didn't talk to me because you were hurt just like me. We were both full of hate for not having resolved things amicably, but that was how it had to be. I didn't feel like talking either, but nothing can go back to how it was, we completely destroyed what was our relationship, two years have passed since I decided to move away from you, a year has passed since I saw you in the company of your new partner and your children or his children, because there was a life of yours that I didn't know. You accepted the mistakes of our story as your own, just like me, it all ended a long time ago. In fact, our story never really began as an authentic and open relationship, as a true love relationship. It was a family relationship. You were my family, my friend and my sister, but then I fell in love and everything changed. Because we never acknowledged our relationship, our closeness, it was a choice I made in relation to you. He abused the other person, which I felt but didn't know about, which had to do with revenge for what I wasn't capable of doing, which you wanted to do regardless. I accepted and forgave the betrayal, but I haven't forgotten that day at Primorosa, I won't forget that. I won't forget that everything in life is beautiful, and that we actually built a story, a beautiful story over time, and that I won't stop writing it, but I will know how to respect your memory because it's mine too, because we both deserve it.

In life, everything is beautiful and, above all, we must be able to be fraternal, to listen to others, to know how to accept that we are not perfect and that we have to make a path within ourselves and within others to truly achieve that which is our own fulfillment. It is absolutely necessary that we know how to forgive each other, to know how to accept each other because, after all, our stories are nothing more than fragments of God, which end up happening because they have to exist, because they serve to make sense. My story with you, my story of Pedro and Inês, is, after all, the only story that matters, the story that has to do with two young people, who managed to destroy each other's lives, reach their goals, through a real partnership, because they were truly great friends, and who only stopped being so when they fell in love and did not know how to deal with jealousy. You built your house, and I built mine, you built your family, I'm building mine, and regardless of that, I won't forget you, I won't forget that you sacrificed to get where you are, and what I sacrificed to get where I am, it shouldn't have been like this, it could have been different, the only thing that hurts me is that we destroyed our friendship, to get where we are today.

What hurts me most of all is that things didn't work out if we didn't have our friendship, because after all, we're both twins, and so friendship and respect for each other is absolutely essential, and that's exactly why I had to end our relationship. Because neither you respected me nor I respected you anymore, "spilling over" less on the one hand, and "smelling" less on the other, was essential. We were completely destroying any kind of relationship, it got to the point where I no longer loved you as a friend, nor you loved me as a friend, we were completely fed up with each other, because we would be constantly having each other. Just because you were obsessed with having a family, you were obsessed with having what you had been through and I wanted exactly the same, a family and children. Seeing you so out of control made me fight back and not be firm, from you, in that illusory way I wanted distance because I didn't know how to deal with it. There would never have been betrayal if there had been trust and truth, I want to tell you, however, that on that night, the night it all ended, when I saw you holding on to that wretch, and in a way what I felt, destroyed me, I have to tell you that I accepted it. I accepted what you did and I understand perfectly the reason why you were doing what you were doing, you were taking revenge, because that was part of the need that you had taken out of your system, all the pain and all the difficulties that you had been through recently, I myself couldn't handle it, the damn cancer, after all I had to turn it around somehow, I felt completely weak and fragile and at that moment I was envious, angry and hated you. In fact I was jealous for a long time, as you were also jealous of me, it pains me above all to have ended our friendship, to have humiliated you the way I did, as you humiliated me later, when you saw me.

It's horrible when things that are wonderful end in the worst possible way, but I will never forget you, nor will I forget what you did for me, and what I did for you was also essential, so that today you can have your family, and your goals, so that you can continue to be the person you are, continue to work and achieve your goals as an advisor. Just as I will continue to pursue my political career, on the paths I want to take, regardless of all the things that happened between us. I respect you today, I want you to be happy, I want above all for you to understand that I loved you and that above all that was between us, there will always remain a legacy that you managed to build, your structure.

You managed to reach your family, your home, I want to tell you that I will also reach my family, my home, and I have no envy of you, no anger, no hatred, all of that has passed, all those bad moments have passed, they have left my heart, and above all what I feel for you now is love and gratitude, and deep Peace. I hope that you are happy, I deeply hope for contentment for you and from the bottom of my heart that you are happy as I myself know that I will be happy and that I will reach my goals. That is all that moves me at this moment, and each time we will go deeper, because in life everything is beautiful, and above all we must be authentic and true to ourselves as we once were. Building our path and being happy, that is what I wish for you, I hope that you are truly happy, on the path that you have chosen, because I will also continue to follow my path, I will never forget you my dear comrade in arms, you will always be the love of my life, regardless of the paths that I take. I prefer to remember the time when we supported each other every day, when I did everything you asked me to do without complaining, when I always found solutions for all your problems, and when you were always there, you didn't fail to meet any of my needs, you were with my parents. That time gradually faded away as we got to know each other more and more deeply. We lost each other because we weren't able to communicate, because I wasn't able to tell you what hurt me: your indifference, your selfishness, your ambition, which were a reflection of my indifference, my selfishness and my ambition.

We weren't able to overcome ourselves and it was the relationship that lost. It was from the moment we simply put aside what we were for each other that I stopped praying for you, being there for you in all your difficult times, and you stopped praying for me, because you understood that I was being someone who was preventing you from being happy. And we didn't talk about that, about your plans and my plans, about what you wanted for the future and what I wanted to be, about all the things we wanted to build, the standard of living that we both ultimately aspired to. It was only when we talked about all this that I got to know the other side of your soul, and you got to know the other side of mine. It was only when we laid all our cards out on the table, that I had completely fallen in love with you and that you had completely fallen in love with me, that it was from this person full of flaws that I finally realized that, regardless of whether you used up all your credit cards, that you could access, that you would take every opportunity to flirt, and that I would always talk about you, we realized that without a doubt our relationship could not continue until we accepted each other, exactly as we were.

What happened that night at the Disco Exquisite, was the culmination of a conflict in which I could no longer accept your betrayal, your lies, everything you created to try to sustain the perfect world, which after all was perfect, at the moment when you hugged me and thanked me from the depths of your heart and soul for the loan that allowed you to have your house, on the day when you were by my side during the treatments at the Lusíadas, when I was undergoing chemotherapy and didn't know if I would survive or not. At that moment, when we were there together, in the hospital and you continued to maintain that you wouldn't cheat on me, as if that were important when I had the proof right in front of me, you were there, when others weren't, namely my family. It was at that moment that I realized why what we felt went far beyond mutual help, codependency, the need to be together, because we didn't have other people in our lives. It was when you were at the nightclub that I also realized that the way of being. The way you respected me, the way we loved each other, would always be the same, like two vampire companions in search of new blood, and the way I respected and loved you would always be the same. That was when I realized that I truly loved you and that you deserved much more, and that I also deserved more, we deserved to be better, and for that we needed to build our emotional stability.

Our story ended because it was necessary to put an end to the internal and external conflicts in our relationship, because it was necessary to move forward, to constantly work on our ability to be better people, and above all, because it took time. Time to rebuild ourselves, to be stronger than our fears, to love each other completely, to accept each other with our differences, to have inner self-esteem. So that one day, we could face each other, look each other in the eye. Despite the farewell, as if there were no tomorrow, there will always be a tomorrow, whether on this or another plane, and in that sense our story began that day. That night, at Primorosa, when I moved on, when I felt ashamed. It was there that I assessed the weight of my family and your family heritage. I knew that I came first, and I put myself first because only by doing so could I free myself. Then I did it for you, too. First I allowed you to go on with your life and build your path, just as I will build mine.

Only by taking that attitude could we one day look at each other based on who we are and not on what we have. Based on what we have accomplished and not on what we want from each other. Because it was that respect that was being lost, and that had already been lost, when I lent you the first money, and when you told me for the first time that I defamed you and was incapable of supporting and loving you. It was at that moment, when you said that to me and I felt that, that our relationship was destroyed. The moment we closed the door, the moment we each moved on, was the moment we had the chance to one day understand and accept each other. It was the end of the illusion and the beginning of respect, which necessarily implied our separation, and which made each of us move on with our lives. There is a promise that remains, it will never be given up. Knowing that it is not what we say, but the way we make others feel that truly counts, I tell you that you made me feel complete and at peace and I know that in those days of light I did exactly the same for you, until forever, take that friendly hug from your comrade in arms.